Alone
by Migalouch
Summary: Tag to Ship in the Night.  Tony reflects on everything that has happened and on his own existence.


Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS.

A/N: I had this idea after watching the scenes were everyone was talking about comp time and got the idea "What if Tony wasn't taking his comp time for a different reason?" This is what sprung up and I am actually surprised no one else has taken this and ran with it so far. Anyway this is my first NCIS fic and I hope it is good. I haven't betaed it and I can't very the grammer is awesome since I posted it right before leaving for a trip. Please leave a review because I would like to know what everyone thinks. Like I said first NCIS fic so I apologize if anything is OC. This has a bit of TIVA in it, but nothing happy. Possible sequel or future chapters depending on what the show gives us in the future to work with. Hope everyone enjoys!

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**Chapter 1: Alone**

_Two left jabs followed by a fast snapping right elbow, duck, block, right uppercut followed by a left knee._ Anthony DiNozzo had found himself lost in the same tiring rhythm that he had become accustomed to for the past months. Here in the NCIS gym was where he truly found any sense of accomplishment from the lonely existence that his life had become. That was right; Anthony DiNozzo the notorious playboy was just downright lonely.

He could remember a time when he rarely had a minute of downtime, always being invited to the hottest parties and constantly asked to go out or on trips. Unfortunately the years had passed and slowly his friends had started getting married one by one until he was the last man standing. Now here he was a few years shy of forty with really nothing of value under his belt. Anthony DiNozzo was a single NCIS Senior Field Agent that had no family besides a father who he rarely saw or spoke to. The envy of his peers had become the guy others saw at high school reunions and joked how they never grew out of the party stage of their life. Tony had come to the realization that the worst part wasn't that he hadn't grown out of the immature frat boy, because he finally had, but it was the knowledge that even though he did he was too late.

Nights off spent partying and trolling clubs looking for one night stands had transformed into sitting on his couch by himself watching movies with the occasional visit to the old theater late at night. Weeknights where he used to meet up with friends to catch a beer after their work hours watching the basketball game where now spent here, the gym.

Outside of the bullpen this is where he spent the most of his waking hours these days, trying to improve his aging body while knowing that the clock was ticking. Tony wasn't an idiot and he knew he was getting old, and that was the exact reason he had started coming to the gym so much these past months. While in his twenties he could rely on his speed and youthful resilience when he found himself in a fight with a suspect. Now his speed had slowed and his ability to bounce back from injuries had noticeably declined, taking weeks to overcome a sprained ankle that used to only take days.

Tony was getting old, and the only thing more painful than coming to that realization was also realizing that the only thing of meaning he had left was the job. Tony had danced with death, looked terrorists in the eyes until _they_ were the ones that flinched, spent near a year undercover, survived the plague, been shot, stabbed, blown up, beaten, and watched as some of the closest people to him died before his own eyes. Living through all of that truly did make him a man without any fears, except one. Anthony DiNozzo was afraid what would happen if he could no longer do his job.

Work was the only thing that kept him going, kept him sane, heck it was his life at this point. Losing that would leave him with nothing, just a single man in his late thirties with no family to rely on and nothing to go home to. Losing all of that was what initially drove him to come to the gym, to become better. Everything he did had to be done smarter, not harder, more efficient, not faster. When he used to get in a fight on the job he knew he could rely on his speed and his natural ability as an athlete to get him through on top. Now he was slowing down and he had to learn to fight smarter and better than the other guy, and when you were coming up against enlisted men and women you had to be very very good.

So his afternoons had become a comfortable routine that he had grown fond of. Leave the bullpen as late as he could, move his car from its spot over to the doors closest to the gym where his coworkers wouldn't see it if they happened to stay later then him, train himself for the next few hours, go home and eat, sleep, rinse and repeat. This routine was the only thing that kept him going, and it was without a doubt the most important thing he did these days to keep his job.

Tony already had two strikes against him, and he knew a third would be the last. First it was his knee that he blew in college that, while fully healed, would still always be a concern on his medical record. That apparently hadn't been enough so fate decided to saddle him up with the plague that had permanently scarred his lungs for the rest of his life. Heck before he had the plague he could run for miles without tiring, now if he ran in too cold of air his lungs burned so bad that he couldn't even get past half a mile. Even in ideal weather his lung capacity had diminished, and the worst part was how well aware he was of that fact.

Gibbs was the lead investigator with the training of a former marine and a sniper. Ziva was a former Mossad spy who had more training then all of them rolled together, as well as international contacts and insights on terrorism globally. Tim was an absolute computer whiz that could hack into the NSA and back out without them noticing. Every one of them was irreplaceable and when old age struck they would shift into different positions, never being out of work at NICS.

Tony though knew he was different. He was a former beat cop turned detective that had a degree in physical education with a busted knee and a set of scarred lungs. Guys like him where a dime a dozen and he knew without a doubt that if he gave one excuse Vance would bounce him out of the agency so fast he would come to a stop a hundred yards past the front gates. That fear is what kept Tony coming back here each and every night he could, to make sure that Vance never got that excuse.

Without his job he had nothing, and that had been made abundantly clear today. That is why Tony was down in the gym working himself to this point where his muscles burned, his knuckles felt raw, his lungs felt like they were on fire, and yet his mind wouldn't shut up. That is why he was pushing himself so hard even though they had spent the last 48 hours running themselves ragged.

_*FLASH*_

_Captain's sacrifice inspire you to give up your comp time Tony?_

_No. I just realized I have three weeks of comp time coming to me. Hah I can't take that much time off_

_Why not?_

_Because someone else would get temporarily assigned to my desk_

_Afraid your replacement will outshine you?_

_*FLASH*_

When he had initially tallied up all of his time he had been completely astounded. Tony saw the time sheets of Ziva, Gibbs, and McGee since it was his job to check them over before sending them to human resources to forward for their overtime checks. What was so surprising was exactly how much more overtime he had compared to the three of them. Anthony DiNozzo the ultimate slacker had over a week more of overtime than any of them, including Gibbs.

As he was balling up his overtime comp paper in his hand, his mind had flashed back to the Thanksgiving, Halloween, and Christmas holidays where he had covered for agents with families since he had no one to spend those days with. He flashed to the long nights he would spend after the others would leave so that he could read over their reports and make sure the paperwork was all in order. The weekends he was in to cover MTAC because everyone that worked those shifts knew that DiNozzo was always willing to cover and have someone's back in a pinch. All of this was on top of the overtime he worked while on cases with his team and working for Gibbs.

Tony didn't lie when he said he was worried about someone coming in and doing a better job, but the more important factor was the he didn't know what he would do with all that time. If he took a day or two he could straighten up his house, visit the doctors, and maybe take care of some long overdue errands. Three weeks however was just a recipe to self depression as he came face to face with exactly how little of a social life he had.

_Right jab, left jab, right cross, bob, weave, left uppercut, ride side kick_. His breath coming in wheezes he collapsed against the bag after his latest combination. Wheezing out a laugh Tony also found it disturbingly amusing how even his colleagues didn't trust him with details of their own personal lives. Whether it was McGee's new found passion for Tony's older life as a playboy or even Abby's long explanations of how her latest concert went.

_*FLASH*_

_Must be tough make time for each other. You stuck here finishing case reports and hes frolicking in the Miami sun_

_He travels, a lot. Which is why I am making comp time to take three days off next week to go see him._

_You can't do that._

_Why not? We are adults_

_No not that you can't use comp time to take days off._

_According to the OPM guide lines I can._

_Tony how long have you been a senior field agent?_

_*FLASH*_

Ziva though had been the fat big cherry on top of the sundae of crap that his life had become. Around four years ago they used to spend many nights together watching movies and just talking, and in that time Tony had been really happy with his friendship with Ziva. She had been there to help him through the tough time of Gibbs just getting up and leaving the team behind without any explanation.

From there the Jeanne fiasco had taken place and while he though he was happy with her he couldn't deny that there was a problem with the entire situation, and that problem was that he had to lie to Ziva and his team everyday about what was really going on. After that had ended they were understandably on shaky ground that just collapsed under them with the Death of Jenny.

A summer apart and the inclusion of Rivkin in Ziva's life further drove a wedge between their friendship that had ultimately resulted in Rivkin's death and Ziva being left behind in Israel. After months agonizing over the mistakes he made, and then hearing about Ziva's suspected demise aboard the Damocles, Tony had just snapped and gone on war path. Demanding to finish what she had started he ended up in a cell in Somalia staring down a terrorist not even giving a damn that his life could be ended in a second. That is where he was reunited with Ziva, and where he had taken her from and brought her home.

Finally Tony thought that they could get back on track and he could be there for Ziva to lean on, and nothing was standing between them. She didn't seem to need his help so he gave her time, and then more time. They had spent a night in Paris together and then backed off, and before they could take another step forward Reynosa had come in and it had completely gone to hell.

Tony had missed her swearing in ceremony, breaking his promise to her, and it seemed like that was the final push. She had returned from working in Miami talking about some guy that she wouldn't tell him a single thing about. Since being back McGee and her taken cheat shot after cheap shot at him with no explanation as for why. Her _teasing_ regarding the guy from Miami was now practically intentional to rile him up. Now it had gotten so bad that between the two of them that he knew neither was aware that he had been working Christmas day while they were away with their family and friends. Wasn't surprising that this was the case since after they hadn't even tried to ask him what he was doing.

Tony just didn't understand it anymore, he didn't understand a god damn thing. Didn't she realize how much this was tearing him up as he watched as she intentionally kept the guy a secret just like she had Rivkin? Didn't she notice that his attempts at showing her his costume before he met Ethel were his way of trying to get her to open up to him by being more open with her? Did she fail to remember how he had told her he couldn't live without her and how he had traveled to hell and back just for her?

Feeling his anger over the situation come back to the forefront he pushed himself off the heavy bag and launched back into a flurry of hits, redoubling the speed and effort of his earlier routine. Punches, kicks, elbows, and knees were a blur in his eye as he fell into the rhythm he had established over the months he had been in the gym. Moving quicker and quicker he pushed himself towards the edge of exhaustion in the hopes that as soon as he was home he would be able to collapse into bed and not wake until he had to come back into work.

For a time he had thought that Ziva could be the person he spent time with outside of work, but now he knew that was a dream that was never meant to become reality. Snorting in exhaustion and at the humor of the entire situation Tony couldn't help but realize that he had ended up just like Gibbs, except in his case it was worse. Gibbs had a family and they were taken from him, he had memories to think back on and to be happy about. Tony didn't even have those, he didn't have anything anymore.

The quiver in his good leg was the only warning he had as he placed another kick against the heavy bag before his leg buckled in exhaustion underneath him. Tired in body, but not in mind he flopped onto his back on the ground trying to catch his racing breath and feeling the sweat bead on his skin now that he was no longer active. Tony knew he had to go home, it was only a matter of getting himself up at this point, but he also knew that as long as he stayed here he would feel like he was accomplishing something. At least here he knew that what he did mattered and that was infinitely better than going home to an empty apartment and sitting by himself. Honestly that feeling of accomplishment he gained by physically being at NCIS wasn't one he was ready to give up just quite yet.

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